Answer by Daniel Alexander Blue:
these are general sugegstions – the exclusively porno list is at the bottom of the page
1. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
2. Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
3. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach the armpit level of a woman, but only the waist level of the man lying beside her.
4. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
5. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.
6. All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
Courtesy of Jennifer Pell: Ditto the greens of whole carrots in every shopping bag
7. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least a half-hour to escape.
8. You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
9. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
10. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
11. If in a haunted house, any strange noises should be investigated by women in their most revealing underwear. (edit courtesy of Hillel Gray)
12. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
13. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off, but luckily you’ll always blindly choose to cut the right wire.
14. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
15. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
16. Every police officer is either incompetent or corrupt…or both.
17. Babysitters are doomed.
18. All the ‘teenagers’ in a school will clearly be in their late twenties.
19. Everyone splits up to hunt for the ghost/monster/serial killer
20. There’s nothing better than running through the woods in the dark, waving torches and shouting “Dave, where are you?” all the time followed by the serial killer.
21. Whenever you go into a bar in a film, the bartender is always polishing glasses. Doesn’t matter if it’s a posh bar or a dodgy one, that’s all he does all the time, polishing glasses.
22. When paying for a taxi, do not look at your wallet as you take out a note. Just grab one out at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
23. Creepy music (or satanic chanting) coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
24. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red digital displays so you know exactly when they are going to explode.
25. The Protaganist can always find inspiration/motivation for the big challenge from dead best friends or dead family members.
26. Single parents usually lose their spouse to cancer (and they’re still not over it).
27. James Bond never gets an STD.
28. James Bond also never seems badly affected by the huge amount he drinks – his sexual, gambling and driving prowesses remain intact.
29. Dogs and children know immediately that someone is the bad guy.
30. Good guys never get shot in the face and no matter how grievously injured, always live long enough to say a few words.
31. All gratings covering the entry to a ventilation system will come off with only a tug (no screws), and the shaft is always horizontal and big enough for adults to crawl through.
32. Any group of pathetically inept losers with a boozy but lovable old coach will eventually win the sports championship.
33. No one ever forgets a telephone number, even if it was only communicated in the middle of a gunfight or car chase.
34. At least one scientist is from an oriental background.
35. People hack into computers by incessantly typing on the keyboard. Even though they don’t appear to be working in DOS mode, they never use the mouse.
36. Sadistic killers are also witty stand-up comedians specialising in one-liners.
37. Bombs are always defused within the last three seconds, never at twelve or twenty seven. NOTE: This doesn’t apply in James Bond, in Gold Finger. He stops it at 007 seconds to go. But he still stubbornly sticks to this cliche of 3 seconds, declaring that “Three more ticks and Mr Goldfinger would’ve hit the jackpot”.
38. Any ‘hunch’ in a detective film is always correct.
39. Any fight at a wedding reception will always result in someone crashing into the wedding cake.
40. There is always a gun in reach when you fall onto the ground.
41. When the hero is running and the bad guys are shooting at him with a machine gun, the bullets will consistently hit the ground just behind his feet. This is because it’s impossible to swivel a machine gun as quickly as the hero is running.
42. In car chases the hero car just avoids the woman pushing the pram across the road. Then it crashes through lots of market stalls (usually fruit and vegetable stalls), destroying the livelihoods of perfectly innocent hard-working people but never actually killing any of them.
43. A scrapbook, containing all the villain’s crimes and killings, is always stumbled across by the hero, typically under a bare lightbulb in the killer’s basement.
44. When the lead detective has a meeting with his team, it is always productive and completed in seconds or minutes. Every one contributes vital pieces of information and the conversation flows flawlessly with everyone possessing super intelligence and quick thinking abilities.
45. Just as the hero and villains fight ends, with the hero winning, about a dozen police cars show up.
46. When about to have sex, clothes melt seamlessly off bodies. No one ever needs to sit down and take off shoes and socks.
47. Whenever anyone receives a phone call in the middle of the night, it’s always 2, 3 or 4am. Exactly.
48. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
49. Getaway cars never start first time. But all cop cars do. (They will also slide to a dramatic stop in the middle of a crime scene).
50. On a police stake-out, the action will only ever take place when food is being consumed and scalding hot coffees are perched precariously on the dashboard.
51. Cars never need fuel (unless they are involved in a pursuit).
52. Cars will explode instantly when struck by a single bullet.
53. Cars always have a set of spare keys in the glovebox.
54. Prostitutes always look like Julia Roberts or Jamie Lee Curtis. They have expensive clothes and nice apartments but no pimps. None of their cleints – rich or poor – beat them, or abuse them etc. They aren’t heroin addicts or have STDs. They are friendly with the shopkeepers in their neighbourhood who do not mind at all what the girl does for a living.
55. A single match is usually sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
56. One man shooting at 20 men with a handgun has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at once with machine guns.
57. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in you room will still be visible, just slightly bluish.
58. Plain or even ugly girls can become movie star pretty simply by removing their glasses and rearranging their hair.
59. Anyone can land a 747 as long as there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
60. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
61. In all martial art movies the hero can beat up 30 ninjas and martial art masters in 5 minutes. But if he smart mouths to his 100 year old grandma, she has the speed to slap him.
62. Courtesy of Jon Groubert: If there is a pool, someone will end up falling into it.
63. If you get hit in the leg or arm with a bullet, even a small calibre one, you just swear briefly, then carry on fighting for ages and walking around without any pain at all, nor do you seem to lose blood. When 12 hours later you go to the doctor, he takes the bullet out instantly, you don’t need the limb amputated / even bandaged. Magic, eh?
64. Courtesy of Mihika Kulkarni: Any couple that fights in the beginning is bound to end up together. This is not just movies, it’s been happening since Much Ado About Nothing.
65. Courtesy of Mihika Kulkarni: The protagonist has a minimalist apartment in a skyscraper with full window walls. He wakes up and stands in the nude, contemplating the city vista.
66. Courtesy of Mihika Kulkarni: The crazy old aunt/bum is actually very intelligent and provides key insight at the last minute.
67. Courtesy of Mihika Kulkarni: Subway/Elevator doors close just as the character reaches them in a mad dash.
68. It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
69. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
70. When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
71. No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
72. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
73. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
74. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it’s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
75. An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.
76. Television news bulletins and radio programmes usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.
77 (courtesy of Apratim Dutta) People having conversation in a cafe never seem to finish their food and just take off after their conversation is over.
78. (courtesy of Apratim Dutta) Everybody carries around flip phones which can be broken like a pencil and thrown away.
79. (courtesy of Apratim Dutta) There is no limit to which a street camera can be zoomed and apparently they are present everywhere.
80. (courtesy of Apratim Dutta) The protagonist can jump over rooftops with ease and can save himself from falling even if he gets the tip of his finger over the wall.
81. (courtesy of Apratim Dutta) Women turns into martial arts experts whenever they are dressed in tight suits
82. (Courtesy of Shelby Butimer) It doesn’t matter what kind of job you have in NYC, you can afford a spacious brownstone house in a good neighborhood.
83. (Courtesy of Rishava Banka) IF you are an evil mastermind, then all bad news is the mistake of the messenger and it makes perfect sense to shoot/kill/maim/hurt them
84. (Courtesy of Byrle Arnold): Any car that is wrecked will catch fire and burn. People who have suffered head and neck injuries in car accidents are needlessly harmed by well-intentioned would-be rescuers who believe this.
85. (Courtesy of Andrew Hargreaves): Mobile (cell) phones only work until you really need them then you will either be unable to get a signal or the battery will be flat.
86. (Courtesy of Sean Reed): A Defibrillator can revive dead people. In fact, you would use heart massage on a dead person.
87. (Courtesy of Gareth Alexander): People can be knocked out for hours with one punch and with no long term health issues, when in reality if you are knocked unconscious for longer than a few seconds you will probably experience fairly serious brain damage.
88.( Courtesy of Larry Arnold): In any dangerous situation the good guy will leave the pretty girl in a safe place, where the bad guy will kidnap or kill her.
89. (Courtesy of Larry Arnold): In any situation involving a group of people the natural leader will get everything so screwed up that only the most worthless member can save the day.
90. (Courtesy of Sam Mazz): The bad guy will always be shot/stabbed from the back just as he goes to pull the trigger or bring down a knife on the good guy. (‘The Purge’ loved this cliché so much, they put it in the movie at least 5 times!)
91. (Courtesy of Stewart Ford): Your six-shot revolver can fire 17 times without reloading.
92. (Courtesy of Michael Flynn): A professor is always interrupted in the middle of a lecture by the bell or when something important is about to be told. The same goes in any detective film. Just as someone is about to tell the detective who the murderer is, after they keep stalling, as the open their mouth to say who it is, someone shoots them -Danny Blue.
93. (Courtesy of Ryan McKay): No-one ever says ‘bye’ at the end of a phone call; one person will just terminate the call without the other thinking this rude.
94. (Courtesy of Ryan McKay): People can hold their breath underwater for ages, especially in panicky situations.
95. (Courtesy of Donald S Brant Jnr): The sound from an explosion in space can propagate through the vacuum and be heard and felt, sometimes violently, by an observer in a distant spacecraft. The travel time of the sound is also instantaneous regardless of how many millions of kilometers away the observer is located
As a PMC, the gun myths in Hollywood films always make me roll my eyes. Here are my favourite cliches with guns:
96. The way that films always have the hero/villain pulling the slide on a pistol/shotgun and cocking back the hammer on a pistol. Hollywood thinks that pistols havn’t moved on since the 19th century. They think or some reason that before every shot, even with a modern gun, you have to thumb back the hammer yourself. You don’t need to do that with a mdoern gun! It cocks the hammer itself!
The same goes with shotguns. You pull the slide on a shotgun to eject shell casings, not to look menacing! You’ll just be throwing away bullets otherwise. And also with pulling the slide on handguns. You pull it once after loading a gun. Not after every bloody shot!
97. The sound of a gun going off is really loud. Even with a silencer, it is still really loud. So don’t believe the films where guns with silencers sound like a very faint cough! It’s still loud!
98. A dropped gun will go off. That’s not true – or very uncommon. Why? Because there are deliberately tests on every brand of gun in the USA to ensure dropping it won’t make it go off. The Gun Control Act of 1968 made drop-tests mandatory to eradicate this sort of thing
99. Every bullet fired makes loads of sparks, as if you’re welding something, when it hits a metal door etc. But that’s untrue. Why? Most bullets are made of a copper alloy…and copper is famous for NOT sparking. The only bulelts that would spark are rifle bullets – which aren;’t the ones in movies sparking ‘ and even they don’t send up the massive spray of sparks you’d think they would from Hollywood action films.
100. Especially in Scarface. You’ve all seen the films where the hero/villain has a machine gun they fire for ages without running out of bullets? Of course you have. The most common automatic weapons Hollywood likes to use are AK47 and an M4 Carbine. If you have a full clip of ammo, you can fire for all of…four seconds. Yup, that’s all. Because automatic weapons fire more than 600 rounds a minute. Only you don’t have 600 bullets in your gun – in the case of the M4, you’ve got 30. So your hero can’t fire his machine gun for ages without reloading.
101. In Hollywood films, people can casually walk along and fire machine guns one handed with pinpoint accuracy. Only you can’t in real life. The machine gun kicks like hell. It’s difficult even standing still with both hands to keep completely steady…so imagine one handed walking along firing it.
102. In some films, any standard bullet proof vest that you can hide under your clothes will protect you from bullets fired from military grade assault rifles. No they won’t. The bullet proof vests you can hide under your clothes, or the ones the police wear,,,won’t withstand assault rifle bullets. Yes, there are bulelt-proof vests that will withstand this – but they’re incredibly heavy, bulky and cost thousands of pounds – so your average cop won’t have one, only army people.
EXCLUSIVELY FOR PORNOS:
10 – High Heels.
Women wear high heels to bed.
9 – Going Down
When going down on a woman, 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.
8 – Ugly Middle-Aged Men
Women enjoy having sex with ugly middle-aged men.
7 – Suck It
When a woman is sucking a man’s cock, it’s important for him to remind her to “suck it”.
6 – Busted
When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she’ll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking the both of you.
5 – Oh Yeah
Men always groan “OH YEAH!” when they cum.
4 – Enjoyable Sexual Practice
A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman’s ass.
3 – Pleasantly Surprised
Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man’s trousers and find a cock there.
2 – Double Penetration
Double penetration makes women smile.
1 – Splat
Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.